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Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Show #2973
By Michael Z. McIntee Change Text Color:
Black | White


Kerri Walsh and Misty May-Treanor; Neil Patrick Harris; and Nas.
PLUS: Get To Know Delaware; a CBS News Election '08 Update; Delegate of the Night; a Phone Call from Spencer Pratt; a Top Ten List; What's in the Cargo Pants; and Biff at the Democratic National Convention.

" . . . and now, Internet 'It' boy. . . . . . David Letterman!"

ACT 1:
Dave conducted another of his insta-polls during the monologue. If the election were held tomorrow, how many would vote for Barack Obama and how many would vote for John McCain? Tonight's winner? It was a draw. Too close to call.

Joe Biden, the Democratic nominee for Vice President, hails from the great state of Delaware. That is why all week we've been doing a segment entitled, "Get To Know Delaware." We watch tonight's installment.
Announce: "In 1894, the Battle of New Castle ended after General Thaddeus Rutledge signed the Treaty of Edgemoor in Delaware . . . . . I just made that up because I don't the first thing about Delaware.
This has been 'Get To Know Delaware.'"

Suddenly . . . . a special report.
Announcer: "This is a CBS News Election '08 Update.
Hillary Clinton has unequivocally thrown her support behind Barack Obama. However, as a die-hard supporter . . . . (shot of announcer in announce booth) . . . . I'm continuing to wear my pantsuit. Stay tuned to CBS for more election updates. We now return you to The Tony Orlando & Dawn Rainbow Hour, already in progress."

It's time for something new, though it sounds like something we would have done before, entitled, "Delegate of the Night." We see a clip of a delegate dancing in the aisle of the Pepsi Center at the Democratic Convention. He had everything but a lampshade.

Backstage, you can hear a female voice cry out, "Phone call! You have a phone call! Phone call, 'sdd'-hole! Hey, 'sdd'-hole, telephone call!" Dave finally hears the message and looks over to our executive producer and asks, "Telephone call? Right here at the fake phone? The one that hasn't worked in 25 years?" Dave picks up the phone.
DAVE: "Hello?"
SPENCER: "What's up? What's up?"
DAVE: (to the audience) "It's that guy Spencer Pratt from 'The Hills.' Excuse me for a moment." (talks to Spencer)
What's going on, Spencer?"
SPENCER: "You know, all we were was nice to you and all of a sudden you jumped ship to the bad guys."
DAVE: " . . . . what?"
SPENCER: "How long have you known me? 22 years? You've known LC for 3 months."
DAVE: "I don't see what the problem is."
SPENCER: "And in your head, you're the peacemaker. 'I wanna be nice to everyone.' And you got caught up. And I get that. It's like 'Woo-hoo. I'm friends with everybody! Can't we all just get along?'"
DAVE: "I think you're blowing this way out of proportion, Spencer. I hope we can put this unpleasantness behind us and still be friends."
SPENCER: "I don't want to see you. I don't want to hang out with you. As long as you're rolling around with that posse, you have nothing to do with my life. And that's straight up."
DAVE: Well, I'm sorry you feel that way, Spencer."
Spencer hangs up.
That's too bad.

It's time once again for another installment of "Delegate of the Night." We see another delegate exhibiting behavior best left back in college. He is a mite to happy. Dave wonders, "Is he really that happy?"

ACT 2:
TOP TEN: Democratic National Convention Pickup Lines
At the end of the Top Ten animation, the hubcap from the speeding NYC taxi cab flies off and hits a bicycle messenger and sends him flying. An alarmed Dave is alarmed. Dave exclaims, "Did you see that thing!? He got hit by an animated hubcap!" Dave shows great concern, but I wonder if his worry was over the bicyclist or the impending lawsuit. He is informed that the bicyclist is OK, which comforts him somewhat. Still, it's something we need to look into. Remember, safety first.

Top Ten Democratic National Convention Pickup Lines
9. "Something's rising and it's not the national debt."
5. "I'll make you scream like Howard Dean."
2. "Wanna pretend we're Republicans and have gay bathroom sex?"

BIFF AT THE DEMOCRATIC NATIONAL CONVENTION
We find Biff at DAY 3 of the Democratic National Convention. What has he learned? Biff has learned that John Kerry has the biggest head he's ever seen. Says Biff, "It's huge. The camera had to step back to see the whole thing." And how was the Hillary speech? Biff called it exciting and feels it unified the Party. How much of it did he see? Biff says, "I only saw a minute or two then I went to dinner." What does Biff have for us tonight? Biff went around the Democratic National Convention at the Pepsi Center and spent the day touching people. We watch Biff touching non-suspecting Dems.

ACT 3:
KERRI WALSH AND MISTY MAY-TREANOR: Gold medal winners for the 2nd time in Women's Beach Volleyball. Dave likes the beach volleyball. He likes it a lot. Is it the beach or the volleyball he likes so much? I think it's the bathing suits.
We are looking at excellence when we look at Kerri and Misty. They have won 108 consecutive matches and 14 straight in the Olympics. Pure dominance. They each started playing indoor volleyball as kids but eventually got burned out. They then hooked up 8 years ago for 2-person beach volleyball and the rest is history.
Why the bikinis? Kerri says it is the most comfortable. Plus, with a one-piece, sand can get in there and it makes it hard to concentrate on the game. Not to mention the bikinis help boost their Q-Score. Kerri and Misty had met the President before heading to China for the Olympics. Kerri introduced herself to President Bush and he chimed, "Oh, volleyball!" Either the President knows his volleyball or he was cued. Misty then introduced herself and he exclaimed, "I know you . . . where are your tattoos?" When the President was in China for the Games, he paid them a visit and we showed a photo of that meeting. We see the President about to swat and squatting Misty and the fanny. At least that's what it looked like. Actually, Misty was showing the President her tattoo and invited him to give it a pat. Which he did. When you're not running for re-election, you can do whatever you want.
You can see more of Misty this fall as she was just selected to be a contestant on "Dancing With The Stars." "Dancing With The Stars" is a big hit. I don't know; I must be getting old. I don't get a lot of things anymore.

ACT 4:
Back from commercial, Dave says he needs a coupla minutes. It seems the visit with the volleyball gals took a lot out of him. Dave admits, "If I didn't have this show, I could never get close to two women like that." Yes, his position permits him to get within touching distance to some of the most beautiful and talented women in the world. Unfortunately, the rest is left up to him. Dave said he mentioned to Kerri Walsh that he was 6 foot two, also. And that's where the conversation died. Dave's admits to not being much of a witty conversationalist when surrounded by such beauty. At least he'll have photos and it'll look like he was happenin'.

It's time for something we call, WHAT'S IN THE CARGO PANTS?
The camera cuts to Tony, who hams "What's in the cargo pants tonight, Dave?" Tony reaches into his pocket and pulls out a handful of . . . . . "guacamole!"
And that's how we play "What's In The Cargo Pants?" and that's how we kill two minutes.

ACT 5:
Announce: Tomorrow on the Late Show, Dave is joined by Brad Garrett; Blake Lively; and Randy Houser. The Late Show; Grillin' Good in the Neighborhood.
We'll be right back."

ACT 6:
NEIL PATRICK HARRIS: From the CBS program, How I Met Your Mother. The show is created by two former LATE SHOW writers, Carter Craig and Thomas Bays, or Thomas Carter and Craig Bays. Hold it . . . don't tell me . . . . I know it . . . . Carter Bays and Craig Thomas. There was a nice article on them in the recent Emmy Magazine.
Neil flew in from L.A. on JetBlue, the airline that has TVs right at your seat. He was seated in first class and what comes up on the screen but an episode of "How I Met Your Mother." Very cool. Neil had to go to the restroom, or so he says, and figured as soon as he stood he would be recognized by everyone as the very guy on their TV screen. Unfortunately, no one noticed. He figured nobody got a good look at him. When he returned to his seat, he was able to see what everyone was watching. It wasn't How I Met Your Mother. Oooohhh, how crushing. But don't fret, Neil. The reason no one was watching "HIMYM" was because they already saw the episode when it was first run on CBS, Monday nights at 8:30 PM.
The show is currently filming in L.A. and in the second episode, Regis Philbin appears as himself! Dave wonders, "Couldn't you have stopped that?" Neil then impersonates Regis on the set during taping. Neil does a fine Regis, and deserves a Relly Award.
And speaking of Awards, Neil is nominated for an Emmy for his work on How I Met Your Mother.

ACT 7:
NAS: From his untitled CD, Nas performed "Sly Fox." Ask for the CD by name.

And that was our show for Wednesday August 27, 2008.




I went to get the Sunday bagels and papers the other morning when I saw a softball game in progress at a schoolyard. It looked like one of those over-40 leagues. I then realized it must be an over-40 league because those under 40 don’t play softball. For some reason, when those now under 40 came of age to play weeknight softball, weeknight softball wasn’t a big deal anymore. They missed that bubble. After watching an inning, I could feel the softball-bug starting to imbed my body. I’ve played 5 games in the past 20 years after playing up to 5 games a week in my prime, and I think it’s time to dust off the ol’ mitt and get back in the game. Hopefully, there’s a team out there that needs a first baseman. What’s that, you say? You say every over-40 softball team has more than enough first basemen? Hmm, probably right. How about a DH? Can I be the DH? And I want a field with ground-rule doubles. What I would really like to do is take back my spot in centerfield, but the other team would have to hit it to me. Another words, no placing. Yeah, that’s what I need, a No-Placing League.

Obama vs. McCain in November. Chicago Cubs vs. Arizona Diamondbacks in October?

Hey! I caught a fish!
I was vacationing down at the Jersey Shore during the break. My brother-in-law Joe is big on fishing. Loves it. Can’t get enough of it. He had my other brother-in-law Gary doing some shoreline fishing while he was busy netting some bait. I saw Joe’s pole in a bucket and decided to try to catch some dinner. Actually, all I wanted to do was catch anything and throw it back. That’s all I was looking for; not lofty goals at all. I was able to cast pretty well but didn’t quite know what to do after that. I kept a close eye on Gary and did what he did. I would cast out my line and then slowly reel it in. Gary was catching a lot of sea robins, which is a junk fish and not worth keeping. I was hoping to catch me a sea robin just for the fun of it, but it wasn’t happening. I was nearing the end of my interest in fishing when I finally got a hit. Pretending to know what I was doing, I yanked on the rod to set the hook. I then reeled in my catch. As the fish neared shore, Joe got all excited. I landed a 26-inch fluke. He was so excited he could hardly speak. He joyously exclaimed that you don’t normally catch a 26-inch fluke along the Jersey shore. You get fish like that out in Montauk, Long Island. As I pulled the fish safely out of the water, I pretended to have trouble with my reel in hopes Joe would jump in and unhook the fish for me. Luckily, the fish came off the hook before I had to touch it. Joe grabbed the fish and showed it off to anyone around. It was definitely a keeper. Instead of just throwing it in the bucket, Joe ran it back to Gary’s house to keep it fresh in the refrigerator. He came back with the biggest grin. He was so darn happy for me. I was happy that I didn’t have to touch it. Afterwards, Joe, Gary, and I returned to Gary’s beach house. Joe opened the refrigerator . . . . . and the fluke was gone. Where did it go? Did somebody see Joe bring it in and then steal it? Did Gary’s wife come home and find it in the fridge and throw it out in disgust? No. The fluke was still in the refrigerator but it had flopped off the plate and landed three levels down in the crisper.
Joe had me hold the fish so he could take some photos. He laughed at the way I held it. He told me you have to hold it far out in front of you so it looks twice as big in the photos. After the photo session, he took it back to his place and prepared us a nifty dinner.

I was watching the Little League World Series the other day, Hawaii vs. Mexico. ESPN/ABC listed Hawaii with an apostrophe, like Hawai’i. Huh? What’s the deal with the apostrophe, I wondered? Did ABC know something I didn’t? I asked those around me at the gin mill if they knew why there was an apostrophe in Hawai’i? As what often happens, I was ignored. I think I’m becoming “that guy” at the bar, someone people will talk to but not for long. So I looked up Hawai’i on the Google. This is what I learned.
The state is “Hawaii”. Hawaii is made up of 8 main islands. They are Ni’ihau, Kaua’i, O’ahu, Moloka’i, Lana’i, Kaho’olawe, Maui, and Hawai’i. Hawai’i is the largest of the islands and is called the ‘Big Island’ to avoid confusion with the whole state. My guess is the team in the Little League World Series came from the Big Island.
Makes sense. But can you tell me what’s the deal with the apostrophes? To me, O’ahu was always Oahu. Moloka’i was always “Molokai.” Hawai’i was always “Hawai’i.” And why isn’t Maui not Mau’i?
I’ll surrender the rest of my time to the floor.

Who are the two anchors on FoxNews “America’s Newsroom,” Ken and Barbie?

CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
From Pearl River, New York, it’s Tommy Gilbride.
This concludes another episode of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER

Michael Z. McIntee
mikemack@aol.com
ACT 1
• Show Open
• Dave's Monologue
 Watch now
• Get To Know Delaware
• News Interrupt: Announcer Wearing Pantsuit
• Delegate of the Night
• Spencer Pratt Confronts Dave
• Delegate of the Night
ACT 2
• Top Ten Democratic National Convention Pickup Lines
 Read now

• Biff at the Democratic National Convention
ACT 3
• Kerri Walsh & Misty May-Treanor
 Watch now
ACT 4
• Neil Patrick Harris
ACT 5
• Audience Shot & Guest Plug
ACT 6
• What's In The Cargo Shorts? with Tony Mendez
ACT 7
• NAS performs "Make The World Go Round"
• Show Close

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